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Alamo' Problems

The Bobcats visit to San Antonio on Friday was the least successful one since Ozzy Osbourne peed on the Alamo.  And at least Ozzy presumably hit what he was aiming for. "I just think as a group we're not shooting the ball well," said Corey Maggette afterward, in a spectacular understatement.  The Bobcats couldn’t shoot heroin at this point, and Friday’s 37% effort was entirely representative of the team’s dead-last TS%.  For the season, the only two guys averaging more than 50% from the field are DJ White and Derrick Brown, who also happen to rank just 8th and 10th in shots taken.  And how about Eduardo Najera going 0-for-3 last night, with all three of his shots being 3-pointers?       Basically, the Bobcats are not only physically inferior, they’re also stupid with the ball.  Cheering for this team is like watching the “Run, Forrest, run!” scene in Forrest Gump, only if he’d tripped and the bullies caught up with him, and then proceeded to beat him until he went cross-eyed.

It’s tough to pick a turning point in this game; it’s like picking a turning point in the Tyson-Spinks fight.  But believe it or not, the Bobcats actually had a 16-12 lead after 5 minutes.  However, this is also about the time when it became apparent that Gana Diop—subbing for the injured Bismack Biyombo—was not going to be able to travel up and down the court for much longer without the assistance of a tractor.  Sure enough, with 3:41 to go he essentially expired at half-court, and with his dying breath he handed the ball over to Tony Parker for an unobstructed layup.  This was part of an 11-0 run by the Spurs that put them ahead for good.  This is also probably a bad time to mention that Diop outscored DJ Augustin 4-to-2.

I still haven’t given up on my “Which D-League Point Guard Wants to Be a Millionaire?” fantasy game, by the way.  Why can’t we hire a 6-foot+ guard in the D-League with good assist numbers to a ten-day contract and hope for some Jeremy Lin magic?  Today’s contestant is Jeremy Wise, 6-2”, 25 years old, and averaging 6+ assists with the Bakersfield Jam (I guess that’s not plural?).  I have to admit, besides his height and the assists, the third thing I liked about Jeremy was that he attended the comically-named Redemption Christian Academy (don’t know what their nickname is, but I’m guessing it’s not the “Demon Deacons.”  Or the “Jam.”).  However, according to his DraftExpress profile, he’s actually only 6-0”.  And of his defense, it just says, “Defense is rarely a priority in the D-League.”  It’s never a good sign when you attempt to look up how good a prospect is at something and the scouting report basically tries to change the subject.   Oh well, back to last night’s game...

Faced with such cartoonish competition, the Spurs piled up points quickly and were able to rest the starters.  The fourth quarter was the exact opposite of crunch time (soggy time?): Kawhi Leonard, Gary Neal, and Cory Joseph squared off against Matt Carroll, White, and Byron Mullens.  And because this latest 30-point loss happened against the Spurs, with their dick-ish color man Sean Elliot, the debacle was even more painful.  “The Bobcats don’t rebound well, or pass it well, or shoot it well.  But other than that, they’re pretty good!” Elliot guffawed early in the first quarter.  Elliott would have made a great rich kid at a rival camp in a 1980s teen sex comedy; every time the camera cut to him I expected him to be wearing aviator shades and a polo sweater around his neck.  Nonetheless, there’s no denying the extent of the Bobcats’ hideous-ity.  Besides that whole shooting problem-thing, their rebounding rate is second-to-last, and their defensive efficiency is second-to-last.  But guess who’s worse: New Jersey—that’s right, our next opponents!  Bring the noise, Prokhorov!


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